So, if I’m being completely honest, I’m a bit torn as to how I feel about the amazing thing that is my brain.

In case you forgot what it looks like

On the one hand, there are an awful lot of reasons why it’s pretty damn awesome. For instance, I’m currently taking 6, count them 6, prescription medications every day. Side effects of this veritable pharmacy include:

• Prescription 1 – dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps, weight gain, blood clots, depression
• Prescription 2 – nausea, stomach cramps, high blood pressure, mood changes, excessive sweating, involuntary quivering, irritability
• Prescription 3 – dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps, low energy, involuntary quivering, confusion, taste problems
• Prescription 4 – dizziness, nausea, low energy, low blood pressure, swelling of the extremities, random lactation
• Prescription 5 – drowsiness, nausea, stomach cramps, weight gain, random drops in blood pressure, mood changes, excessive sweating, involuntary quivering, restlessness, confusion, delusions, inability to focus
• Prescription 6 – dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, weight gain, low energy, low blood pressure, mood changes, involuntary quivering, swelling of the extremities, blurred vision, inability to focus

And they come with warnings like:

• Prescription 1 – Avoid grapefruits at all costs. (Why just grapefruit? Why not all citrus? Why is grapefruit special? I must look into this…)
• Prescription 2 – Do not stop taking this medication without first consulting with your doctor. [This prescription type] is usually taken for life.
• Prescription 3 – Limit alcoholic beverages. Avoid grapefruit at all costs.
• Prescription 4 – This drug may make you dizzy. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Limit alcoholic beverages.
• Prescription 5 – This drug may make you drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped. Also, you may experience symptoms such as mood swings, headache, tiredness, sleep changes, and brief feelings similar to electric shock.
• Prescription 6 – This drug may make you dizzy or drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Limit alcoholic beverages. Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when the drug is suddenly stopped. Your dose may need to be gradually decreased. If you are taking this medication 3 times a day, do not let more than 12 hours pass between doses because you may have a seizure. Also, the grapefruit thing again.

Perhaps you notice the pattern here.

Really, it’s any wonder I’m not wandering around constantly nauseated because I’m so damn dizzy all the time, all the while shaking uncontrollably and being moody, confused, and generally terrified of alcohol. And grapefruit.

Google image search for “creepy grapefruit.” Seriously.

It’s seems to me, despite the ridiculous ways in which life has seen fit to completely fuck me up, my brain (and body) have done a pretty good job of remaining sane and functional. Here’s to you, Me:

yay.

Are you lost? See Part Two and Part Three