Tag Archives: insanity

Skyrim: Lydia the Psychopath

Today some dude randomly came running at me with his sword. I guess he was guarding a cave or something and we got too close?

Anyway, I’m standing there waiting for him to hit me so I don’t feel bad about fighting back, when Lydia just completely lost it. She jumps in front of me and just slaughters this guy and all his friends. Whoa.

So then we go into this dark, creepy cave and she’s all “I have a bad feeling about this…” Yes, Lydia. Thank you. I got that. But then I’m scrounging for food for us and she starts yawning.  I’m sorry, is my search for life giving sustenance boring you?!

Anyway, it wouldn’t let me thank her for killing that guy, and now that I know she’s apparently a psychopath I definitely want to stay on her good side, so I bought her a health necklace and an enchanted ring to boost her stamina.

Of course when I gave them to her she got all sarcastic again, *sigh* “I’m sworn to carry your burdens…” and I thought that was a little unfair, so I also bought her a horned helmet.

She looks very silly.


Wanna play a game…?

Skyrim: Is everyone like this?

I spent some time exploring the town, trading some things, finding food, stuff like that. Some arrogant looking man was wandering through the streets complaining loudly about some girl choosing some other guy:

“I fought a frostbite spider,” I say because whomever created this world didn’t think frostbite or horse-sized spiders were bad enough on their own.

“How am I ever going to win her back?” said Mr. Arrogant.

“I was with Hadvar,” I add. “We also found a bear but I didn’t fight him because he just stood there doing his I’m-so-scary-dance so I went around him, but Hadvar is a terminator so he just kind of went through him. Poor bear didn’t stand a chance.”

The man looked at me a moment and said “I know how to get her!”

Oh good, we’re on the same page then…

He gives me a scathing letter listing everything wrong with his beloved because he’s just that charming. He asks me to give it to her and tell her it’s from the other man, then bounds away in glee; we’re all here to serve you, guy.

Later I ran into her and I passed her the letter, but I told her exactly who wrote it and why. You’re welcome.


Wanna play a game…?

Skyrim: Welcome to Riverwood

Hadvar leads me to a town called Riverwood and introduces me to a couple there. He makes himself at home and begins babbling about Stormcloaks and dragons again. Really, I’ll need to teach him some new phrases.

“Well you’re pretty, I’ll give you that, ” says the lady of the house, “just stay away from my husband.”  I’m just full of good impressions it seems. I wonder if I’ll meet anyone in this world who doesn’t think the worst of me right away.

I wander around and find they seem to be okay with my taking one of everything, but I don’t. *I* find a bookcase. There can’t have been more than ten books on it but believe me I read them all.

Meanwhile, the terminator is trying to recruit me to join the Imperial Army because he can’t seem to remember the part where they tried to have me beheaded. He tells me to go to Whiterun and talk to the Jarl. As soon as he says this, those words roll up my screen like some great presentation but no one else seems to notice. I discover some menu buttons and figure this is now my mission.

I go back to reading books.


At some point during my reading I managed to wedge myself between the bookcase and a barrel. Despite the fact the barrel was empty, I couldn’t just push it out of the way because apparently I’m a huge wuss. I jumped around, ran into things, and generally made a huge commotion but the three other people in the room must have thought I’d turned rabid or something because no one came to help me.

Somewhere in the course of my cornered animal-like panic, I discovered I am MAGIC because I ended up shooting a fireball and igniting the wall of the house. I felt pretty bad about that but no one else seemed to notice or react in any way at all. I can’t help but think the force of the blast should have moved the barrel for me but physics seems to be broken today.

When I finally broke out I inspected the wall thoroughly and it wasn’t on fire anymore and there didn’t seem to be any damage. No one said anything about it but I helped the man forge some weapons for his shop later in an attempt to make amends.  Sorry I almost burned down your house, guy.


Wanna play a game…?

Skyrim: You’re getting awfully judgey, Screen.

I don’t know how but I somehow managed to not die a fiery death that day. Through a series of uncoordinated and clumsy movements I managed to catch up to the terminator, who stood patiently waiting among the chaos.

As  I approached him, he took off toward another building then stopped to watch me lumber along behind him. When I caught up he went in. I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Inside, the terminator began babbling about dragons and Stormcloaks, which seemed a bit silly for a robot from the future, but I just kept my mouth shut and followed  him around like Igor from a Mel Brooks movie. This turned out to be a good strategy because he unbound my hands.

“Pickpocket Hadvar?” asked the screen. Oh. He has a name. Well that’s good. But stealing from a killer machine who just unbound my hands seems ungrateful at the very least.

“Let’s get you some supplies,” says Hadvar. So I wander off to explore the room.

“Pick lock?” my screen asks as I approach a prison cell. Picking locks and stealing from others, huh? You certainly don’t have a very high opinion of me, Screen. But why not? It looks empty to me… 

So I picked that lock and every other lock in the room. I also picked up everything I could and practiced moving around and jumping for a while. The terminator watched this all stoically from the door. An hour later I approached him.

“Are you done?”

Why yes, Hadvar, I’ve had my fill of this room. Lead on!

I’ll say one thing for him, he’s extremely patient. 


Wanna play a game…?


Ananke Rose. In the library. With the pitchfork.

So this is a conversation that happened today between someone who is in no way a medical professional, me, and my brain:

 So your doctor doesn’t know what’s causing your headaches?

Not really, but they’ve run all sorts of tests. I just started a new medication.

I think you need to take some time to focus on you.

Who is it that you think I focus on…?

You should really start exercising.

Excuse me?

That was bold.

I had some headaches once and it really helped me.


I see where this is going.

You know, just start walking or something. I think it would help take your mind off your head pain.

And on my hip pain…?

Have you considered it might be stress?

I’ve had a headache for 8 months. Straight. Yeah, I’ve thought of that.


How do you feel about prescription medications?

I’m on six of them.

Do you seriously think I’m not taking anything???

You should be taking Xanax.


That’s so weird… You don’t LOOK like my neurologist…

It would really help you relax.

I see.

*looks around the room* who are you talking to??

Seriously. Ask your doctor about Xanax.

You don’t look like my T.V. either… I’m pretty sure if my doctor wanted me to take Xanax, he’d prescribe it…

You are just way too stressed.

Thank you for trying to help.

Have you even met me…?


I don’t even know what to say about that.




You’re Awesome, but Also a Little Creepy: Part Three

NOTE: I stole some photos.  Click them to go to their sources.

So at the beginning of Part One I said, “If I’m being completely honest, I’m a bit torn as to how I feel about the amazing thing that is my brain. On the one hand…” and went from there. If you’ve read Part One and Part Two you might be wondering why I’m torn. It seems pretty simple, my brain is awesome. What’s the other hand?

Well, sometimes I see things. I don’t mean that I have hallucinations; I know these things are not actually there. And it’s not like I can’t see what other people see either. It’s like my brain looks at something and then says “Oh, sure. That’s what they want you to think” and then… changes it.

It’s just a flash; if I do a double-take it’s gone. It’s almost like I’m getting a glimpse of some alternate reality. Maybe it’s the dreams showing through…

So one time I was walking through Chicago O’Hare airport when I got on one of those moving sidewalk things. It looked like this:


But what my brain showed me was this:


Now that one is kind of fun, but they aren’t all.  For example, I then passed a shoe-shine station where the shiner (heh) had fallen asleep.  It looked vaguely like this:

But what I saw was this:



And it happens a lot.

My intent here was to list a few more examples, but since it isn’t a conscious choice to see these things, it’ll probably work better to just post them as they come up.

And so I introduce to you, a new page on this site: Mind Games

I’ll update it as I get new ones. I’ll attempt to put the most recent first. You’re welcome.

You’re Awesome, but Also a Little Creepy: Part Two

In addition to everything in Part One, I have this neat thing that happens when if I sleep, that’s really quite technical and very detailed.

The general gist of it is: my brain cannot differentiate between dreams and reality.

Essentially, due to some sleep issues identified during a medical sleep evaluation, I frequently (as in several times a minute) wake up just enough for my dreams to imprint on my conscious mind as ‘real’ before dropping back down into sleep. So I am awake enough for my brain to say ‘this is not a dream’ but it happens too fast to actually break me out of the dream and into full consciousness. I also have very long and distinct dream periods, so these ‘real dreams’ are often very long and very detailed.

I feel it’s important to point out that this is different from having ‘vivid and realistic dreams,’ because unless I make a conscious effort and constantly remind myself, it was not a dream.

Now try to imagine that every dream you’ve ever had, every surreal experience, every nightmare, was absolutely real.

Totally happened.

When I heard this from the doctor, it was like I’d found the final piece of some vast, complex puzzle and suddenly so many things, from as far back as I can remember, made perfect sense.

When I was younger, this often manifested itself so I would remember conversations and events that no one else did. But as I’ve gotten older, my dreams have become… darker. Sometimes it takes more than a week to cope with things that never really happened. Sometimes I find myself out of bed and across the room when whatever I’m looking at just… disappears. And I usually remember these dreams for years, to the point where I can actually cross reference them.

Many studies suggest this causes issues with memory failure and dissociative symptoms, and all things considered, how could it not?

But here’s the thing, right? I have a pretty excellent memory. And, as far as I can tell, I do not have any dissociative disorders.

And sometimes I think the recent (as in the last decade or so) darkness of my dreams is not a sign of a highly disturbed mind, or underlying mental illness, but is my brain’s way of protecting me.

Yep, that seems safe.

Maybe my subconscious figured out what was happening long before I heard it from a doctor, and compensated by making my dreams so dark and strange that it would be easier for me to tell them apart from reality. Sure, it means I’ve had to live through some pretty crazy stuff, but I can look around and see there clearly hasn’t been some catastrophic, plague-like event, and bookmark that memory as suspect.

And really, hardly any of them are actual nightmares, they just kind of sound that way. In fact, it’s the ones that don’t sound scary that usually are.



Are you lost? See Part Three

You’re Awesome, but Also a Little Creepy: Part One

So, if I’m being completely honest, I’m a bit torn as to how I feel about the amazing thing that is my brain.

In case you forgot what it looks like

In case you forgot what it looks like

On the one hand, there are an awful lot of reasons why it’s pretty damn awesome. For instance, I’m currently taking 6, count them 6, prescription medications every day. Side effects of this veritable pharmacy include:

  • Prescription 1 – dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps, weight gain, blood clots, depression
  • Prescription 2 – nausea, stomach cramps, high blood pressure, mood changes, excessive sweating, involuntary quivering, irritability
  • Prescription 3 – dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps, low energy, involuntary quivering, confusion, taste problems
  • Prescription 4 – dizziness, nausea, low energy, low blood pressure, swelling of the extremities, random lactation
  • Prescription 5 – drowsiness, nausea, stomach cramps, weight gain, random drops in blood pressure, mood changes, excessive sweating, involuntary quivering, restlessness, confusion, delusions, inability to focus
  • Prescription 6 – dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, weight gain, low energy, low blood pressure, mood changes, involuntary quivering, swelling of the extremities, blurred vision, inability to focus

And they come with warnings like:

  • Prescription 1 – Avoid grapefruits at all costs. (Why just grapefruit? Why not all citrus? Why is grapefruit special? I must look into this…)
  • Prescription 2 – Do not stop taking this medication without first consulting with your doctor. [This prescription type] is usually taken for life.
  • Prescription 3 – Limit alcoholic beverages. Avoid grapefruit at all costs.
  • Prescription 4 – This drug may make you dizzy. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Limit alcoholic beverages.
  • Prescription 5 – This drug may make you drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped. Also, you may experience symptoms such as mood swings, headache, tiredness, sleep changes, and brief feelings similar to electric shock.
  • Prescription 6 – This drug may make you dizzy or drowsy or cause blurred vision. Do not drive, use machinery, or do any activity that requires alertness or clear vision until you are sure you can perform such activities safely. Limit alcoholic beverages. Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when the drug is suddenly stopped. Your dose may need to be gradually decreased. If you are taking this medication 3 times a day, do not let more than 12 hours pass between doses because you may have a seizure. Also, the grapefruit thing again.

Perhaps you notice the pattern here.

Really, it’s any wonder I’m not wandering around constantly nauseated because I’m so damn dizzy all the time, all the while shaking uncontrollably and being moody, confused, and generally terrified of alcohol. And grapefruit.

Google image search for “creepy grapefruit.” Seriously.

It’s seems to me, despite the ridiculous ways in which life has seen fit to completely fuck me up, my brain (and body) have done a pretty good job of remaining sane and functional. Here’s to you, Me:



Are you lost? See Part Two and Part Three

Seriously, they’re everywhere.

Do you know what I see?


Just kind of all the time. Everywhere. Around my work building, around my house… on the side of the road. In random places. I’ve even seen them parked… or at the very least saving a parking spot for someone else.

Apparently wild rabbits are a thing around here, and I guess they’re out in force this season. I never really associated rabbits with fall, but maybe I’m just a product of our culture – shoving rabbits at everyone in spring and insisting they lay eggs. The rabbits I mean. I’m not sure I’ve ever had someone shove a rabbit in my face and insist *I* lay an egg, but I guess it wouldn’t surprise me.

And sometimes, if my day is just going too well or something, they’ll look like this. And it just breaks my fucking heart.

If you’re a masochist or horribly curious and you clicked on that link because it didn’t occur to you that I didn’t post a picture for a reason, here:

I hope this helps.

But the thing is, if I’m being completely honest, I’m kind of afraid to ask if anyone else sees them too….


I think your brain is sexy.

Wow, I don’t really know how to respond to that. Mostly because I take a lot of things at face value and my first thought was quite literal.



So what am I doing today?

I’ll tell you what I’m not doing today.

I’m not doing any house work or homework or prepping for the week.

I’m not cleaning or organizing or cooking or planning for a potential move.

I’m not doing laundry or dishes, or the million other things written on the various to do lists I’ve made and promptly misplaced.

I’m not implementing any of the efficient systems I’ve created in my mind to make my life easier.

I’m not working on any of the half-finished or barely begun projects sitting neglected around the house.

I’m not crafting, planning or being productive in any way.

I’m pretty sure there’s someone in my yard – I am not going to check.

I am not running errands.

What I am doing is trying to figure out how I, personally, can draw a meerkat and a weasel and have them be identifiably different.  I’m a long way from being an artist. And why does spell check tell me meerkat is spelled wrong (twice)? Maybe it’s never been to a zoo.

I am also wondering why my dog is licking my toe and why beeswax smells like sunshine.

I am considering drinking champagne.

I am questioning if there’s a way to calculate the speed of thought and how it compares to the speed of light. Probably it’s different for everyone. Maybe I’ll research this later.

I may light some candles and make more coffee. I love coffee.

I wonder if my head will every stop hurting and why my feet always itch.

It almost smells like snow.

I’m comforted by the sound of my dog snoring.

I hope it rains.

My brain is swirling in a million directions but me? I am sitting still.

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